Followers

Sunday 9 June 2013

"She Went Away"

It's been "a day". A weekend actually, and it's not over yet. I really wanted to post something uplifting this weekend, but that's just not where we're at right now so feel free to wait for a happier post if that's what you need at the moment.

Still with me? Thank you for staying.

It's a long weekend here this weekend. I'd somehow missed that until just a few days ago when Daddy asked if we had plans for Monday. My parents were more on the ball and had offered to have The Bubbly One for a sleepover last night to give us a break from some major sensory seeking we've been struggling with. The Bubbly One loves to stay with Nanny and Pop, and a sleepover with them often helps to break any bad patterns he's getting into. So I was actually starting to relax about this weekend. I had grand plans to use the time to catch up on some housework as I haven't been able to leave Master Bubble unattended for more than a quick bathroom break lately, and the house and washing pile are looking pretty desperate. 

So yesterday to have him well-regulated and semi worn out for them so he would(hopefully) sleep okay we did heaps of sensory play with him, lots of trampoline and outside time and he did some great work on some speech therapy type of work. His behaviour was pretty good all day, though we still had to be right on top of him to stop him throwing things over the fence (to the side with the nasty neighbours of course) and stripping off his clothes. We talked about the sleepover with him throughout the day and he seemed to get it and giggled whenever we mentioned it, which usually means that he's happy about it.

I packed his bag and we headed over there. This was where I messed up and ruined all of our good preparation. Normally I'd drop him off and leave fairly quickly, but my mum wasn't home yet so I stayed for a while so I could see her. Apparently I stayed too long though and confused him because when I went to leave he lost it. There was no way he was letting me leave without him, even trying to climb the gate to their front deck to leave. This was rare for him so I cut my losses and took him back home. I was seriously disappointed and cursing myself for not sticking with what usually works. Oh well, I thought, if he's keen to be home with us we should have a good night. He didn't.

When we got home it started- banging the walls, obsessing over my phone, hitting me, tantrums, throwing toys, turning the lights out. By the time bedtime came around every one of my buttons had been pushed, for it wasn't just sensory seeking from him, he was ticked off with me. I'm assuming because I had been going to leave him. I tried to talk with him but he didn't want a bar of it and just pushed me away with a cranky "bye". Daddy put him to bed and I sulked for a while, then resolved to start afresh tomorrow.

Today started at 3am, though Daddy got up to him so that I could sleep as I wasn't feeling well and The Little One was due for a feed soon. The morning was trying but not too bad. Lots of banging on walls, rearranging his room furniture and stripping his clothes, so we went back to the sensory play, trampolining, all of that stuff that usually helps. Daddy had plans to go to the football with a friend and headed off just before lunch time. Then began the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde routine.

One moment he loved me. There were hugs and kisses and occasional words. He said "baby" over and over again to The Little One and gave him gentle kisses and cuddles. Then he would begin to bang on the wall again. Then he would kick at it. Then he would bang open his bedroom door and slam it shut. His clothes would come off. He peed on his bed. He piled all of the toys he could find in a corner of his room, he pulled his mattress off the base of his bed and he jumped and ran and rearranged things so much that he was puffing from the exertion.

I have no idea how his brother slept through it during nap times. I could see him getting more and more worked up- but it wasn't like the lead up to a meltdown. He seemed angry. He'd be sweet again for a few minutes, then he would start again, but the banging got more and more intense and he was glaring daggers at me. He began to hit out at me, even following me when I moved away to hit me again. The Bubbly One has not been aggressive in the past. He would hit out in frustration occasionally but until today he's never deliberately targeted me. He's still young and there wasn't much force so it was easy enough to grab his hands and try to redirect him but he was persistent and kept trying. I thought perhaps he was getting sick too, or he was in pain. I tried to ask him but he can't really tell me. He will say "ow" if something's sore sometimes but he was moving comfortably and eating which is usually the first thing to change when he's getting sick. I tried distraction, I tried redirecting him, I tried giving him space but he just got more and more upset, crying, yelling and hitting me. I was sure he was angry, and I just didn't know why.

In a burst of wishful thinking I got my phone out with Tap To Talk and opened to the emotions page (he wouldn't let me near the iPad). The Bubbly One does not use the iPad to communicate purposely yet but will use it to engage me in "conversation", which is pretty much him working through each option and me making up responses- more like storytelling than an actual conversation, but big progress nonetheless. He will be learning to use the iPad to communicate at school but still is only just getting the idea that pictures can be used to indicate something. Tap to Talk is his favourite at the moment.

We worked through each option.
"I feel sick": No response.
"I'm angry": Apparently not.
"I'm frustrated": Yes, but that was me.
"I'm sad": He hesitated. Then he pressed "She went away" and he pressed it again. And again. He meant it!

Okay, three options came to mind: Daddy was out. Had he said goodbye? If that was it, then why did he seem so angry at me? He's usually more clingy when Daddy's away and he's away a lot for work so it shouldn't have been a big deal. Second Option: was it about me trying to leave him yesterday? Given his behaviour toward me last night and the targeted hitting it was the most likely. Or Option three: he understood that there was no school tomorrow and he hadn't seen his teacher since Tuesday. Unlikely, but who knows?

I still don't know for sure, but I do know that he settled down a little when Daddy returned. The hitting out stopped, the banging stopped. The paper ripping, light flicking and jumping on his bed continued but without the intensity of before. And one big breakthrough: when Daddy asked him if he was good for Mummy he touched "I'm angry", then "She went away". Daddy asked about the hitting and he pressed "He hit me", and "I got hurt", and when Daddy said that Mummy probably needed a rest after today he smiled at me and pressed "I want to relax".

Who knows whether all of that was purposeful and he was referring to me getting hit and hurt (I had told him hitting hurt). Maybe he was just making conversation, or maybe he was upset with both of us and I was just there when he reached breaking point. I don't know, but for the first time he was not only motivated to tell us what was wrong, but he was able to show that he could process and discuss something that had already happened. I believe that often a rough patch with The Bubbly One is him trying to work out something in his head before he makes a giant leap into our world. Perhaps this is it.
 

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